Becoming Lost

Transition for me meant finding solace. I thought it would aid me in finding myself and the development of my personal attributes. The further I progressed with medical transition, the more intrusive and all-consuming the dysphoria became. These thoughts became distressing and led me to want to have surgery which I did as I believed the unhappiness, I felt was due to being transgender and in order to find happiness, contentment and progression through life, transition was required. I believed I was in the wrong body and this was the cause of my distress. For me, medical transition was a necessity and without it I would’ve killed myself.

As I took testosterone, my mind was consumed by thoughts of the changes I would experience and once those settled the onset of thoughts about my body occurred.

Once the physical changes came to a completion, I experienced an immersion of thoughts regarding my body and I increasingly became dissatisfied with it. As my unhappiness grew, I felt the cause of my unhappiness was because my body was not male and so I thought in order for happiness to be felt, I needed to change my body further.

As time went on and the decision to have surgery was made with the destination of happiness in mind, it became clear that this result wouldn’t become reality as my unhappiness dawned on me and I soon realised that transitioning wasn’t the answer. The search for happiness, solace, comfort and acceptance of myself wouldn’t be found in trying to become something that was never me. A man.

The slow process of realisation began, and I eventually decided that it would be best to stop taking testosterone, I felt liberated.

Through the process of deep evaluation of life events, it became evident that they were the reason behind the contribution to me transitioning. With this has come profound grief, sorrow and heartache. 

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