Ten years ago, I transitioned FTM. My process of realisation started once I accepted that trauma contributed to my decision to transition. As I sought through my trauma, I began to discover that maybe, it wasn’t a necessary step for me to take. Through the upset and heartbreak as I learnt about my pre-transition self, I began to see that childhood abuse was a major factor for the hatred I felt for myself and my body. I thought transition would rid of the aspects of myself that I grew to dislike through the abuse that I encountered. The further I went on with my transition, the more my body became a focal point and it was all I could think about. I was so caught up in becoming another person because I wanted to rid of who I was. I wanted to erase and supress that hurt that consumed my being. The emotional abuse caused me to put my life on hold and grasp transition as I thought that’s what was needed in order to fix my immense all-consuming bodily discomfort.
Transition was something that I latched onto in hopes that it would aid in suppression of my trauma which it did, but the cost was high. I lost myself. I was miserable. It wasn’t until I decided to bring my transition to a halt that I began to realise how much trauma contributed to the issues I had with my body and the way I felt about myself
It has been 1.5 years that I have been off testosterone and for the first time in my life I feel alive. Free. Liberated.
I would like to help those who are struggling. So, if you are feeling lost. Alone. Or need someone to talk to – you can reach out to me and I will gladly chat with you.
Roberto co-faciliates my Lost In Transition group. He has a deep understanding of trans issues and a strong interest in helping those who are struggling with their transition.