As time went on, I became aware that the unhappiness that I felt grew despite my working on my childhood trauma in therapy. As I thought more about my transition, I pondered if it really was all I made it out to be. Through talking with my therapist, together we pondered what it was I thought transition would bring, what led to my decision to transition and how it was that I felt about my body. I began to see what it was that contributed to my decision to transition. For the first time I began to see the pain, hurt, sorrow and sadness of my past. I realised that the words of others initiated my decision.
Learning of the torment, the depth of the hurt and the extent that the treatment of others affected me, my life and my view of myself allowed me to see that this was the cause and reason for why I latched onto transition. Transition continued the suppression and numbing of the trauma. Transition allowed me to focus on something else and it was a way to cope with the hell that was my environment at home.
I thought transition would bring the happiness that I so desperately sought. I thought it would bring solace and that this is what I needed in order to find my true self. I thought that I would be enough.
Transitioning became all that consumed me. I changed my persona. It led me to run from my true self.
Transition intensified my bodily issues and led me to seek surgical intervention as the bodily discomfort became unbearable. As I grew more depressed, I sought further surgery, thinking that was what was needed to feel aligned within myself. It caused me to have a breakdown and I was unable to function for an entire year.
The process of questioning if transition was right entered my mind. The knowing of unhappiness and how unable I was to progress through life arose. I was lost.
As I began to realise that I was running, I realised the detrimental effects transition had, had on me. I pondered heavily – was it the right thing to do? What cost has this had on my life? Why did I do it and what were the reasons? What did I think it would do and why did I need those things in order to feel satisfied with myself?
As I began to answer those questions, I discovered that it was time to put my transition on hold and as I did that, I found what it was that I had been looking for all along – myself!