Through my adolescence, I was consumed by thoughts of my body. These thoughts were a focal point, I was unable to see what it was that was happening around me. The abuse. It all surpassed my consciousness. All I was seeing were the inadequacies and the thoughts of my body consumed my being. Thoughts of my body consumed my mind. The dysphoria. The more I identified as being male, the more centralised the thoughts became. Once I reached certain steps towards transition, my dysphoria would ease, however another thing would arise, and the cycle was never-ending.
I was drawn in. Wrapped up in the skewed bodily thoughts, feeling as though I needed to change my body in order to ease my emotional distress.
Thinking surgery was the answer, I pursued it. Despite growing more depressed, I had no idea transition was not benefiting me in the ways that I had hoped for.
At the time, I thought the depression was because my body wasn’t aligned with my idea of what it was to have a male body so I proceeded with further surgery and once I had the second, I had a major breakdown.
I was unable to function for an entire year.
It wasn’t until years of therapy that I really found it within me to speak about my trauma and as I sought through that, I discovered that this was the reason for why I transitioned.
The abuse I endured throughout my life is what led to the decision to transition. The words of others. The environment at home.
The constant ridicule. My mother’s volatile behaviour.
My parent’s inability to accept their child who was simply a tomboy.
My older brother tormented me throughout my childhood. He was very aggressive and scary.
This all led to me feeling very inadequate. I developed a real hatred for myself and grew to feel as though something was very wrong with me.
As I discovered trans, I developed an identity.
I latched on and became so consumed by it that I lost myself.
Now, I look back and wish that therapy was a first step rather than medical intervention. I was a kid who was lost. All I needed was a role model who was also ‘different’ to see that I was ‘normal’.