Contingency.

As I progress to the next chapter of my life, I am confronted with emotions that I thought had been dealt with, processed and managed. My life came to a halt many years ago and despite overcoming many obstacles and anxieties, I somehow still managed to live a very sheltered life. A life that grew very lonesome and isolated. My every day became monotonous. Stagnated by trauma.

I am confronted by the emotion that I have felt through life. How sadness was all I knew. How I absorbed the messages that were relayed by those around me and how I grew to believe those messages. As I grow to understand what it is that left me feeling so frightened of human connection, I become enlightened. I have begun to see how the things that I went through have affected me and to what extent. Overtaken by fear most of my life, a fear of human beings, a fear that the hurt will forever be repeated. Fear that led to an inability to experience the beauty of life. Fear that left me unable to feel, persevere, endure and overcome my distress. Fear that never dissipated despite overcoming obstacles. Fear that meant I never tried to sit with the feelings of discomfort and see that things will be ok. That people aren’t as scary, frightening and intimidating as my mother.

As I enter my 30s, I feel desperate and as though life is slipping away. I yearn to experience love. A full heart. Achievement. A life of fulfilment. True happiness.

I no longer feel that I can remain in the city that I currently reside in. Painful reminders of the past follow me everywhere I go. I cannot thrive here.

I am pursuing a degree at University in another city. I have decided that it would be best if I relocated there and started afresh.

This opportunity comes with the potential of abundance.

It forces me to confront my anxieties, to talk to people, ask for help, build connections and to feel the unease that I don’t currently go near.

Thoughts of the past work their way to the forefront of my mind.

I worry that I will continue the cycle of locking myself away from the world.

That the longing for a mother will never ease.

A mother is not something I ever had and something that I yearn deeply for.

My heart aches every time I think about this. The special bond that a mother has with her child, the feeling of being able to come home. A place to lay my head when I am sad.

I hope one day soon I will be able to come home to a safe, loving, supportive heart. One that will forever be by my side.

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